LGBTQIA+ - this long stream of letters has been seen in many different ways. Lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, questioning, intersexual, and then there’s the “A.” This letter is meant to signify asexuals, but there has been confusion that has led to the “a” marking a place for allies.

I’m here to say that it’s not. There are many ways to be a great ally and a lot of ways to be an awful one. It’s not that complicated. There are simple things to be aware of and do in order to be a better person “currently operating in solidarity with” the marginalized or oppressed.

A simple Google search about what an “ally” is comes up with thousands of results. Despite the various articles and definitions, there are still some people (mainly heterosexuals) who still don’t understand what it means.

After reading a fantastic article by Mia McKenzie called “No More Allies,” I took a step back and took a hard look at my own allyship. Taking what McKenzie said to heart (because what better way to learn about what an ally should be than listening to someone in the queer community), I wrote down the characteristics of a good ally.

Someone who wants to be an ally listens. Listening is the most important thing we can do. Listen to as many voices of those in the queer community as possible. It doesn’t mean discussing anything. It doesn’t mean putting our own feelings into a conversation. It means literally shutting up, and listening. Hearing a diversity of disregarded voices can help an ally begin to understand the core of an issue.

“Ally” cannot be a self-proclaimed identity. Being an ally is not an identity at all, but it’s extremely important that we understand that we cannot wake up one day and decide that we are allies. Being in solidarity is something that we can work towards everyday, but overall it is the choice of those in the community as to whether or not they can trust us to call us an ally. Just because one person in the community trusts me doesn’t mean that everyone in the community should automatically consider me an ally. Allies don’t get membership cards they bring to every situation in order to prove themselves. Trust is earned from collective, determined action and not simply given because of our actions in a specific context.

There aren’t any breaks when it comes to being an ally. Oppression is constant; those who are marginalized don’t get to take breaks. If an ally wants to act in solidarity, then there can be no retreats into privilege whenever things get difficult. Sometimes it’s scary to engage when someone (like a family member or friend) is making comments or sharing an ignorant Facebook article (which happens a lot). But the truth is that your feelings don’t matter in those situations. Solidarity means unity. It means constant unanimity. Say something for those who cannot, even when no one is watching.

A good ally stays educated. Not only does allies stay up to date, but they have an understanding of the history of said oppression. The best way to be educated is to listen, but there are multiple resources to help. This doesn’t mean that an ally should expect to be explicitly taught by those in the community. It is not their responsibility.

Allies aren’t meant to be in the spotlight. Even writing this feels a little strange, but I’m trying to use my privilege in order to educate those who share the same identity as myself. Being an ally means supporting the work of those inside the community and not solely creating a soapbox for one’s own work and voice. If an ally calls out someone for making a transphobic remark, it’s because it’s the right thing to do and promotes a safe environment. It’s not so an ally can go to bed at night feeling like a good person. Allies should never reward themselves for doing the right thing or ever expect a “thank you.”

Overall, advocating for the queer community and using one’s privilege to educate those with the same identities are the foundations of being an ally. A good ally acknowledges when they’ve messed up, apologizes, and corrects themselves. A good ally does not work in isolation, but instead connects themselves with other advocates in order to stay accountable. A good ally is a good friend.

So no- the ‘a’ isn’t for ally, because that’s the opposite of what an ally is.